Sunday, 17 May 2009

Buget 2009

This was posted on the Jeremy Clarkson for Priminister site on Facebook by Martin Shaw.
I liked it and thought I would share.

Budget 2009

THEY said there would be no more boom and bust in the economy. Just before the financial system exploded.
They made a solemn pledge in their election manifesto that they would not raise income tax. And now they have.
They were out with the amount of borrowing they'd need by an enormous £2,400million.
They said that if they cut VAT to 15 per cent then everything would be all right. And it wasn't.
They told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And they got that wrong too.
They get everything wrong.
Think about it. The only reason Gordon Brown was called the Iron Chancellor is because he sold all our gold.
And he was out with the timing of that too, selling it when prices were at their lowest.
And what do they do as the economy burns? Why, they dream up rude emails about their opponents. They buy new curtains for their second homes.
They even spent a good chunk of time the other day discussing whether or not first-born daughters should be allowed to become queen.
Something that won't be an issue for at least 70 years.
And now Alistair Darling has announced that he's going to take half what I earn in income tax and then help himself to the other half with stealth taxes.
Yet weirdly, this badger-faced ar*e had the barefaced cheek to stand on the steps of No11 on Budget day, smiling.
Then, after he'd delivered his speech, Brown was smiling too, like he may actually be deranged.
Well now, I fear, something has to be done...
Let's imagine for a moment that we are all on a plane, with Brown and Darling at the controls.
We are heading for a mountain. We know that we are all about to be killed. And it is becoming increasingly obvious that our two pilots are completely useless.
Sure, they keep telling us over the PA system that it's the biggest mountain they've seen since 1945 but we're not to worry.
Unfortunately, however, we are worried because we keep being told by cabin staff that instead of trying to take sensible avoiding action, Brown and Darling are spending most of their time writing rude emails about other pilots, watching porn films and discussing whether Prince William's as yet unborn daughter should become queen.
And they won't increase power to the engines and climb out of danger because this would cause global warming.
How long would you sit still before you decided to act?
Staging a protest is no good. You can dance around in the aisles waving placards and chanting as much as you like but the pilots will pay no attention.
And then you will be clubbed to death by the onboard marshal. Who'll later say you'd had a heart attack.
What else can you do? Have a drink? Nope. You can't afford it.
A smoke? You couldn't afford that either and anyway, like absolutely everything these days, it's not allowed.
Nor is it a good plan to wait for the pilots' hours to be up and for a new team to come on board.
Because by then it'll be way too late and, anyway, who's to say the new team will be any better? I like David Cameron. He's a good man. But I don't hear him using the words that we all want to hear. "Savage". "Brutal". And "Massive".
Brown and Darling believe they can use our wallets to solve the problems they have created. Wrong. Instead of asking us for more money, they should be thinking of ways they can spend less.
Currently, the Civil Service employs more people than live in Sheffield. Cut it. Hugely. No trimming. No shaving. Get in there with a fire axe and get rid of all the managers, the health and safety experts, the ethnicity advisers. All of them. Out. Now.
And the Olympics? Stop the stadium plans immediately. We have swimming pools already. We have running tracks. Use those.
The opening ceremony? Well, Standard do a pack of catherine wheels and bangers for about £7.99. That'll do.
Would the Tories do any of that? I doubt it. And nor will the shower we have in charge at the moment.
So that leaves us in our seats, with no chance of rescue, unable to storm the cockpit door because it's locked, and powerless to do anything else either.
So how's this for a plan? All the passengers put on a parachute and jump.
Seriously. Ecomentalists are always trying to make their own electricity from dung and weeds so they can get "off the grid".
But why stop there Why not simply unplug yourself from the system completely?
Put false plates on your car, refuse to separate your rubbish into categories, pay no more than 25 per cent of your income in tax, because that's enough, smoke where you damn well like, drink as much as you want — and if a burglar comes to your house, cut his head off.
I'm suggesting we all get up, go to work, earn money, enjoy life, make friends, have a laugh and simply ignore the Government.
Let them fly their plane into the mountain. It won't matter. Because we won't be on board.

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